If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
