please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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