All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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