insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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