I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
