My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
