flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
