70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He better not be in your backpack
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
