I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
