so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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