fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
