I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
