Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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