I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
