I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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