Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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