So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He? As in you personified your dick?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
