Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
