It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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