Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
