He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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