Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
