My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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