I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
