Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
