my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
