the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
