I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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