youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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