Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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