When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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