we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
