The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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