You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
