so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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