So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
