I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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