Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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