I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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