think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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