No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
