Moan for me like Helen Keller
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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