Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
