it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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