Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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