The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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