thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Randomize
