the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
