i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
