Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
