Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
