Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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