I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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