Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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