How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
