Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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