So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
