Swine flu. Run for my life!
Need sex. Gaining weight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
