I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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