We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
