ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize