yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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