You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
