woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize