Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
