You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I won't apologize to a one balled man
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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